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Thursday, July 15, 2010

Life Spinning

My life this week has been very difficult. It's still spinning. I have been feeling very nauseous, thinking I was pregnant or something else. I went to the doctor to see get to the root of it. I'm not pregnant, which was nice to find out, because it ruled out an ectopic pregnancy and with how much nausea I was feeling I couldn't help but think how hard it would be to be pregnant with that much nausea.

What I do know is I'm suffering from pretty severe anxiety & possible depression. It's come out of nowhere. It started Sunday evening and Monday was horrible. It was the feeling of postpartum depression. I feel like I'm in a room with the walls closing in on me. I got put on some acid reflux medicine and the doctor said I had a clean bill of health. However, I still have these moments of doubt. I keep thinking that maybe I'm not healthy. I keep getting thoughts of loneliness & claustrophobia. I read into the slightest twinge in my body. If you pray, please pray for me. If you don't, would mind for me.

Oh Lord, My heart is so heavy. You say that your perfect love casts out fear. You care for the lilies in the field and the sparrow of the sky and you love me even more, so I don't have to jump ahead and worry about tomorrow. Help me to be free in this day that you made. Help me to know you are near and do not be anxious for anything but pray in thanksgiving as you give me peace that outweighs my limited understanding. I need you to fully immerse myself into loving my girls, Ben. God I know you're sovereign & your love doesn't fail. You love me, my girls, Ben, my family. You want me to delight in the goodness of you. To dance freely under the shelter of your safety. I need to hear your pure, silver words of your promise.

Ben and I walked down the aisle after being married to the song "Promise" by Pedro the Lion. The chorus says:

If I look up and the sky's not there,
Is there any reason that I should be scared?
When a promise is a promise I know.
Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

8 comments:

katie said...

oh Kamille...
May the God of hope fill you with all joy & peace as you trust in Him, so that you may OVERFLOW with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit! Romans 15:13

praying for you dear one!

amy said...

I am sorry for this frustrating struggle Kamille.

I do pray that the Lord will give you all that you need in this day, in this moment.

Can I suggest (if you are not already) adding some good quality fish oil and liquid vitamin D supplements to your day. I have read a lot recently about the affect of these deficiencies on woman's emotional health. It can't hurt and it may help.

Nancy said...

Kamille,
I pray that that our Abba Father will take you in His arms and hold you and comfort you. May you feel His grace, mercy and intense love for you as you reach out to Him with your pain.

I have struggled for years with these same issues and God has been faithful in helping me through the darkest of times. Bless you for being vulnerable and reaching out to others because it is easy to isolate during these times which is not helpful. I'll be praying for you...

Anna Johnson said...

Thinking and praying for you friend. I know what depression and anxiety feel like and it is so not fun. hugs.

Aaron Sherwood said...

hi Kamille,
it breaks my heart to hear about you struggling like this. I wish I was closer so I could at least give you a hug and offer some support like babysitting or something. Anyway, we also pray that God would create a hedge of protection around your heart and mind. That He would hold you in the shadow of his wing and create a safe place for you. He IS with you Kamille and He will walk you through this.
I hope you are able to see a specialist doctor also, so that you can set your medical fears to rest as well.
Sending our love!
Aaron, Lucy and Eleanor xxxx

just4ann said...

My sweet and lovely daughter,
I want to let you know that I love you beyond my understanding. I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love you and your brothers. I know that I have many failing but one thing that I have never failed is my love for you. I am praying for you so that you will have strength to combat the anxiety and depression that you have been suffering from. I am hoping that I will be able to come up to visit while I am still out of disability. I would love to spend time with my granddaughters, Ben and my lovely daughter. I am in constant prayer for you. There is not a day that goes by that I do not have you on my heart and mind. So, I want you to know that my love for you is so deep. God knew what he was doing when he gave me you and your brothers. I love you.

Lindsey said...

Hang in there Kamille. We are all praying and standing right beside you.

Kamille Corrina said...

Thank you everyone for praying & standing alongside of me, for your support & love, for your compassion & non-judgment. I appreciate each one of your prayers, comments & even tidbits on possible aids to alleviate this yuckiness. Thank you again!