Friday, July 30, 2010

A Time for Thankfulness

Life has been hard these past couple weeks, but I find that the more I say what I'm thankful for & pass on words of encouragement--my heart grows three times as big.

I'm thankful for this little girl wearing her nightgown all day, while lounging outside.
I'm thankful that she has adapted to wearing her braces with ease & welcome.
I'm thankful to hear her say, "Not today," when asked about any question.
I'm thankful that she really loves it when Cadence wears the same clothes as her. To which Veronica says, "Cadence wants to wear her Strawberry Shortcake pajamas too! (more of a statement than suggestion).
I'm thankful for her curly hair that is unpredictable but fun--kind of like her.
I'm thankful that when we were going on a walk yesterday she had determination in her eyes to continue down the path less traveled in search of more lonely pink flowers.
I'm thankful that she is our firstborn and such a delight.

Then, there is this second little girl who is about the silliest little thing you ever did know.
I'm thankful that she has a swagger to her walk.
I'm thankful that she has the best silly face in the world (as witnessed in last picture).
I'm thankful that she adores her sister.
I'm thankful she loves her papa to hold her in the morning.
I'm thankful for her infectious laugh.
I'm thankful that she has enough stamina to walk 2 miles straight with much gusto.
I'm thankful that she is my sweet, yet feisty Cadence Evangelina.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The New Me

I've been feeling a lot better as the days have progressed. Thank you for your comments about my last post. God is good and so is my husband. Ben took last Friday off to relieve some of the tension & anxiety. He's one of the best:)

I really wanted to post a quick couple pictures of my new glasses. I really like them, because they're different and a bit bold. I think I was needing a change as I approach 31 next Monday.

This above picture is my real smile. When I really smile, my eyes squint and you can see my teeth. On my wedding day the photographer said, "a little less teeth and a little more eyes." I think back now and think of what I should have said; but, I like my real smile and the ones where I followed her "advice" I ended up looking like I was in a UFO trance.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Life Spinning

My life this week has been very difficult. It's still spinning. I have been feeling very nauseous, thinking I was pregnant or something else. I went to the doctor to see get to the root of it. I'm not pregnant, which was nice to find out, because it ruled out an ectopic pregnancy and with how much nausea I was feeling I couldn't help but think how hard it would be to be pregnant with that much nausea.

What I do know is I'm suffering from pretty severe anxiety & possible depression. It's come out of nowhere. It started Sunday evening and Monday was horrible. It was the feeling of postpartum depression. I feel like I'm in a room with the walls closing in on me. I got put on some acid reflux medicine and the doctor said I had a clean bill of health. However, I still have these moments of doubt. I keep thinking that maybe I'm not healthy. I keep getting thoughts of loneliness & claustrophobia. I read into the slightest twinge in my body. If you pray, please pray for me. If you don't, would mind for me.

Oh Lord, My heart is so heavy. You say that your perfect love casts out fear. You care for the lilies in the field and the sparrow of the sky and you love me even more, so I don't have to jump ahead and worry about tomorrow. Help me to be free in this day that you made. Help me to know you are near and do not be anxious for anything but pray in thanksgiving as you give me peace that outweighs my limited understanding. I need you to fully immerse myself into loving my girls, Ben. God I know you're sovereign & your love doesn't fail. You love me, my girls, Ben, my family. You want me to delight in the goodness of you. To dance freely under the shelter of your safety. I need to hear your pure, silver words of your promise.

Ben and I walked down the aisle after being married to the song "Promise" by Pedro the Lion. The chorus says:

If I look up and the sky's not there,
Is there any reason that I should be scared?
When a promise is a promise I know.
Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


As a little girl it was not an unfamiliar sight to see me singing & dancing around to the beat of my own drum (I wonder where Veronica gets it from?). I loved singing, absolutely loved it. I would stand on mall benches belting out, "YES JESUS LOVES ME!" I would memorize anything to music much more quickly than by repeating the words out loud over and over (so boring). One of my favorite songs my dad played on his guitar was 'This is the day.' Simplistic verse from Psalm 118:24 where it says, "this is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Simple but with it brings much needed clarity at times.

When I'm sitting at the table wondering how I can possibly thank God for anything (after the girls have been whining non-stop), the words, "this is the day..." spill from my mouth.

Today, well, it's absolutely gorgeous outside. It's summer at it's peak. Why then am I feeling so blah. You know when you wake up with enough sleep, actually shower, and eat breakfast at a reasonable time, but you're not quite stepping in time with the cadence of life.

It's been like that today. Girls a little bit more whiny, Veronica decided to be scared of dance class again, Cadence is a fireball (in a not so good way) and I survey the house with clutter here and clutter there. But then came nap time. I remember seeing nap time as my crossing the Red Sea moment. And you would think today would be that time, except it was different. I needed nap time to step back, to sing with belief "I will rejoice and be glad in it." We're given those moments where life is overbearing, our heads are going to explode and we have stooped to the level of our one year old temper tantrum. Then, in those moments when we're paying attention we see what it's all about.

Cadence does this thing with eyes & head that tickle me pink. When I was holding her pre-nap time, I kissed her neck. She blurts out infectious laughter. Then, she does her "thing," by turning her head to the side to leave a welcome for any vampire while eyes look upward as if she is in complete ignorance of the tickle kiss which is to come. Tickle, kiss, laugh, turn head, eyes up...repeat. I thought--it's this that I don't want to forget, "I will rejoice and be glad in it."

Veronica says she needs to bring her bagel into daddy's work (after I suggested leaving it in the car) says, "That's okay, don't worry about it" to me. Or how she insists that her hair needs to be taken out of the ponytail holder for nap time because, "it's too hardy" and "I need my hair down like a princess, mama's & daddy's princess." And for me, "I will rejoice and be glad in it."

These girls really do drive me nuts at times. There are moments and days when I get overwhelmed and want to sell them to the local band of gypsies. But, when I hear Veronica's weird made-up word echoing through the house, "ZI-YAH!", I can't help but shout back, "ZI-YAH," just so I can hear Cadence's little voice say, "ZI-YAH" followed by a laugh. It's in these moments I need to cling to while life is twirling and telling me to give up, but instead I shout back with a bellowed "I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!" (oh and of course, "ZI-YAHHHH!).