Sunday, January 24, 2010
A Mama's Reflections
Well my little sweetpea, you turned three. That's quite an accomplishment. Luckily, I remember when you were born and all the hours leading up to it. I remember how naive I was before giving birth to you. All my ideals, thoughts, and grandiose visions would lay by the waste side while I simply learned how to "survive" as a new mama. Being a teacher to 30 kids at Hillcrest Kids seemed like nothing to this new task of being mama.
After a very short labor & delivery and without any complications, I was head over heels smitten with you. You had this cute little Indian nose, a faint sweet cry, and I never wanted to let you go...this was all in the first day. By the second day, I was what most people call "the sleep deprived zone." Nursing was made to sound like we would both "get it" and magically connect. Well little, that was not the case for either of us. It was hard, really hard. Especially, when you decided you were hungry and we were at home and I had no idea how to get you to latch well. My visions of grandeur subsided quite a bit and I was scared, anxious, and lacking that much desired sleep, which caused me to lack so many other things.
It wasn't until you were four months old that I said to daddy, "Wow, she's not going to die!" To which he responded, "Nope, she's not." You have taught me so many things about myself. I know God gave me you to do that. To tell me that all I need is to be secure in him, not in anything else. When people, or the doctors made comments (or inquired) about how little you were in the early months, or ask about you not walking quite yet...I took it as a stab at me. I heard them telling me that I had failed, which in return made me embarrassed to be your mama. That somehow when you didn't meet a status quote, it was a reflection of me as a mother, which would then lead to me wishing you were different and compare you to other children.
But the thing is...I loved you with all my heart, but I sensed God telling me how much he loves you. And wow, you know what 'loves?' His love is bigger than all the Strawberry DVD's you could imagine.
In December, I was listening to a sermon from Pastor Jim. It was about Zechariah & Elizabeth and how they didn't care what other people thought of them (her being way past her prime and never becoming pregnant...that being viewed as a "less than" thing). They only cared about what God thought of them. It was God speaking to me in that moment to remind me to only care what he thinks of me, what he thinks of you, and not anyone else.
And so God gave me you Miss Veronica Storey as my firstborn for a reason. He gave me a girl who has always been observant about the world. He gave me a girl who didn't walk till right before that pesky 18 month deadline. He gave me a girl with a small dermoid in her left eye and what would seem to be a defect to some is the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes I have ever looked into. He gave me a girl with one of the most bright personalities, telling stories, living up life with a HUGE imagination and talking to an imaginary friend on most days. He gave me a girl who bathes in affirmation from her parents and who seeks to do what is right. He gave me a girl who has big emotions and I continue to pray that they will be yielded to make you strong.
He gave me a daughter who has weaknesses like the rest of us, but is using those weaknesses to make her strong. He gave me a daughter who took about a year to warm up to her baby sister; and, although never mean to her, just wasn't that interested in her...but now you wouldn't know it by her saying every night, "Sister Cadence come to my bed to laugh." He gave me a girl who wants to rectify the wrong, who has compassion & kindness flowing from her veins, and is one of the most gentle-hearted girls I know.
Miss Veronica Storey--you have so much of life before you. You've filled everyone you meet with a special light. Your cautious, thoughtful approach on life is an asset, but don't be afraid to take risks when life is calling your name. Your gentle, timid heart is admirable and I never want you to lose that sensitivity, so I pray you would heed the Spirit of God when to stand upon injustice. Thank you for being my daughter and thank you for being you.