Monday, October 12, 2009

Who We Are

With an almost three year old (three months feels like almost--right?) and even closer almost one year old in the house...I feel sad to say that I have gradually slipped from blogging radar to capture many fun moments in our home. V continues to entertain us daily and Tay Tay is a hoot. But even with that in mind, I feel like I haven't been much of a mom lately.

I find myself getting more impatient, irritable, and seriously moody with my girls. Things that are typically endearing are currently driving me bonkers. And since this is an invite only blog, I feel like I can share this here with some understanding & grace. It's not only my girls, but doing all the other domestic duties that come with staying at home. But it's not only the domestic duties, but this feeling I get about not engaging my girls enough.

The other night I was explaining to Ben how I'm not a logistical thinker. I cannot look at my day (or even my hour) and plan everything out according to a time frame. It's hard for me to look at the clock and then figure out everything I need to do, in order to leave the house on time to get where we are going on time. Ben is great in this. He's an ISFJ, which SJ's are logistic in their approach to life. I'm an ENFJ and NF's are diplomatic in their approach to life. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty good at seeing detail about certain things, but when it comes to managing time & all the household stuff--it takes a lot of work. I do it because my job calls me to do it, but I'm exhausted by the end of it. I'm more of a big picture person and I rely on Ben for his logistical skills of bringing the big picture to fruition (is any of this making sense?).

It's kind of what I wrote about in my evangitality blog about planning and lists. I love making lists and planning for events, because it's dreaming up something big and wonderful (and part of that is looking at the details, which is the J part of my personality that comes out). However, it's the putting it into practice, which is the hard part for me (the actual doing what I've made a list for).

And since it takes so much out of me to be logistic and detailed in the running of our home, it makes it too easy to neglect engaging with my girls. Because I have to really focus on the task, in order to get it done (I turn into focus overdrive mama). Plus, I want to serve Ben by having a clean house and dinner ready for him. But it's also that, 'what do you have to show for your day's work?' feeling I get if the house is a mess or dinner isn't ready.

But (an even bigger but) when I look at the bigger picture of me 18 years from now, what will I have to show for keeping a clean home & dinner ready (not that they're bad)...if I have lost valuable time getting to know my daughters, or leaving them with a sense of worth & love, or simply allowing myself to make forts, dance & sing, & soak up life with them in complete abandonment (carpe diem).

Because even as I write this I feel better. I know that life is messy and dinner won't always be nutritious. There will be greasy fingerprints that I've cleaned up for the third time in less than an hour. There will be a little girl being a big helper by emptying her potty in the toilet, while half of it falls all over the floor. There will be times when eating dessert for breakfast must happen for the sake of not living by "the rules." Life isn't prepackaged and pretty. It doesn't fit into a box with a label, "one size fits all." It's who we are in the good, bad & ugly that makes us who we are and causes us to strive to not settle for good enough.

And this is who I am...
a mom, a wife, a daughter,
a sister & a friend.
called very loyal, a stand by sort of girl.
laughter is essential.
Patience=virtue and I work on it daily.
Veronica's mantra is also mine, "Stay calm, Get control, take a deep breath and use your words." Emotions full...some good and some not.
Bake & cook, no other way.
judgmental & quick to speak,
but quick to make amends and offer grace.
sensitive to the core, others see confidence.
Messy eating could live without, but the loud "MMM's" could not.
talkative success, listening not so much.
Sings lead, but loves harmony.
Two girls--crazy about,
A husband I adore and a daughter of the most High,
loves me if none of this were here...satisfying.

1 comment:

amy said...

Hi Kamille,
You do such a good job recognizing how unique your girls are, their different strengths and weaknesses.
Don't forget that it is you who are chosen to be their momma with your unique strengths and weaknesses. God has a plan to use your imperfections to make them into the woman he wants them to be. Just like He used your body to form their outsides, He will use your mothering (and other things) to form their character.
Be encouraged, keep doing well and know that love covers all!
I say all this because the struggle with our imperfections as moms is not unique. It is a struggle we all know!